In this amusing game inspired by the works of P.J. Wodehouse, you play as the Hon. Ampersand Fodge. Although you're of the upper classes, you're also quite strapped for cash, alas. So when dear old — and rich — Aunt Cedilla comes to call, you'd best be on your extra-top form.
"Butler?" No, you don't have a butler, never had a butler, and never intend to have a butler. Why do you ask?
> x aunt. take suitcase.(She won't let you take it.)
> n. w.
> x trunk. open trunk. say password.(Hm. Not quite right.)
> x tailcoat. take it. wear it.
> e. s.(+3)
> i. x suitcase. x bottle.
> n. u. s.
> drop suitcase. take IOU. read it. take letter. read it.
> x bed. x table. x mirror.
> n. d. e.
> take cup. x cup.
> x armchair. x piano. play piano.
> w. w. n.
> fill cup.(+3)
> s. e. u. s.
> open suitcase.(+4)
> x urn. open urn. shake urn. break urn.(+3)
> x ash. take ash. put ash in cup.(+3)
> x cup.
> n. d. e.
Incidentally, until Aunt Cedilla gets her "tea", she won't let you leave the house.
> give cup to aunt.(+3)
She tells you that "your master" must go to the railway station and meet cousin Virgule.
> remove coat. ask aunt about me. ask aunt about Virgule.
> w. s. s.
This location is the effective center of town.
> s. s.
> x posters. s.
> wait. wait. wait. wait.(+4. Virgule arrives.)
> x Virgule. x gun. ask Virgule about shotgun.
> ask Virgule about aunt.
> n. n.(The station is now closed forever.)
Virgule runs off, eager to shoot a pheasant. Don't bother to look for him.
> w. w.
CAUTION: Don't wear the hat.
> x Plank. x paperwork. x box. look in box.(+3)
> x hat. take hat.
> give IOU to Plank.(He tears it up and eats it.)
> give letter to Plank.(+3. He tears it, eats one half, and drops the other.)
> take letter. read it.("Ampersand, I'm leaving you. Everything")
> e. e. n. n. e.
> give hat to aunt.(+3. She accepts it and puts it on.)
> wait. wait.
Virgule enters and shoots at the hat, killing Aunt Cedilla.
> x body.
Then Plank walks in, Virgule claims you did it, and Virgule runs off.
> wait. wait.
Then you hear a polite cough and you now have a silver bell.
> ring bell.(+3)
A butler walks in, tells Plank that you were elsewhere while he murdered Cedilla, so Plank takes the butler away instead of you.
> x bell.
> w. s. s. w. w. n.(+4)
The butler greets you and gives you a pigeon that'll lead you to Alf.
> x butler. x pigeon. ask butler about Alf.
> s. e. e. ne.
> read signpost.
> n. n.
If you don't have the pigeon with you, it's not safe for you to go north past this line.
> x line. n.
The North (several locations)
This is a maze-like area with several deadly randomized dangers. Stay on the path where the pigeon directs you and you'll be fine. But also, remember your path, since you'll have to retrace your steps later to get out again.
> w. n. n. n. e. s.(+3)
Alf reads the pigeon's message and asks you to lead him to the butler. Alf's presence also saves you from the randomized dangers of The North, but again, only if you stay on the path directly to the way you came in.
> x Alf. x haggis. take haggis.
> n. w. s. s. s. e. s.
> s. s. sw. w. w. n.(+3)
Alf frees the butler. The butler leaves to bury Aunt Cedilla; Alf follows him.
> s. e. e. n. n.
Alf is now here. He will now start to wander in the house, looking for things to steal (such as the teacup). The butler's in the drawing room, but head west instead.
> z.(Wait until Alf is here.)
> ask Alf about password.(+3. The trunk opens and Alf runs away.)
The butler joins you down here.
> x portraits.
> ask butler about aunt. ask butler about trunk.
> ask butler about password. ask butler about Virgule.
> ask butler about the north.
> s. w. n.
> x notice.(Strict dress code.)
> u.(A doorman stops you; you must be dressed to the "nines".)
> s. e. se.
This is the hub of a network of service corridors. Although all these areas can be completed in any order, for the purposes of this walkthrough, we'll start from the north and go clockwise. We're looking for things to wear.
> n. nw.
Incidentally, the dial only makes the room hotter, never colder.
> x typist. x typewriter. x dial. turn dial.(+4)
> take tie. x tie.
> se. ne.
This is an obvious parody of Star Trek and Commander Scotty.
CAUTION: Don't just give the haggis to Fatty. He'll eat it and you'll be stuck.
CAUTION: Don't stay too long after you've taken the collar; you will be killed if you're still there when the ship explodes.
> x button. x machine. x collar.
> x circle. x Fatty.
> put haggis in circle.(+3)
> push button.(+3. Fatty disappears.)
> take collar. out. s. ne. ne.(+4)
> x flower. take flower.(+3)
> sw. sw. e.
East service corridor
> x patterns. e.
The embalmer wants you to put your organs into the jars!
> x embalmer. x jars. x sarcophagus.
> talk to embalmer. ask embalmer about me. put organs in jars.
> e.("The inner sanctum isn't for slaves.")
> kill embalmer —or— push embalmer.(+3. He's now in the sarcophagus.)
> x cufflinks. take cufflinks.
> w. w. w. se. se.
> x knight. x lance. take lance.
> give lance to knight.(+3)
> x knight.(+3. You receive a handkerchief.)
If you didn't get a hanky right away, wait as many turns as necessary until the knights joust. There doesn't seem to be a way to rush it along. Usually, a single turn of waiting is enough, but in one session I had to wait eight turns to get the hanky.
> x hanky. nw. nw. s. s.
Shakespeare in Glove
> x gloves. take gloves. x Shakespeare.
> n. n. sw. sw.
> x window. open window.(+4)
You are catapulted onto the roof by a waterwheel.
Note that if you take too long up here, you'll fall off the roof anyway.
> take stovepipe.(+3)
> x stovepipe. d.
> w. w.
> x tavern. x wagon. w.
> x pianola. x spittoon. x cowboy. x jerkin.
> u.(A young lady stops you.)
> spit.(The cowboy wakes and runs upstairs to Miss Kitty.)
> u.(No, that'd be too rude.)
It might seem you've make a mistake and lost your chance at the jerkin, but no. Go back outside.
The jerkin falls out of an upper window.
> take jerkin. e. e. nw. w. n.
To dress to the "nines", you need to wear nine spiffy things:
> wear jerkin. wear tie. wear coat.
> wear cufflinks. wear hanky. wear collar.
> wear flower. wear gloves. wear stovepipe.
> x poodle. x bone. take bone. show bone to poodle.
> x window. x railway.
> open window. throw bone at window.(+5)
Unfortunately, there's no feedback in this location that you're doing the right thing by leaving the half letter here.
> take will. x will. drop letter.
> out. s. e.
Northwest service corridor
The butler gives you a card, saying a gentleman is waiting for you in your drawing-room.
> x card.(+1)
> n. u. e. e.
A solicitor tells you that you've inherited everything from your aunt. The butler congratulates you and offers champagne.
*** GAME OVER ***
Hon. Ampersand Fodge is the player character, a pennilesss aristocrat.
Aunt Cedilla is your aunt. She shows up on your front porch at the beginning of the game. She's come for a visit.
Virgule is your American cousin; he's obsessed with the idea of shooting pheasants. You first meet him on the railway platform.
Sergeant Plank is in the police station. He'll eat almost any paper you try to give him, thinking you're trying to give him an IOU.
An impeccably dressed butler who you've never seen before inexplicably helps you out repeatedly throughout the game.
A carrier pigeon is given to you by the butler when you visit him in gaol; the pigeon will lead you to his friend Alf.
Alf is a Northerner in the rag-and-bone yard. He's a lockpick and thief.
A pit bull terrier will be summoned to bite you if you try to attack Alf.
A doorman at Oldmaid Towers guards the way into your aunt's flat.
A typist is hard at work in the office northwest of the north service corridor. He seems chilly.
Commander Fatty is an engineer on the starship and is an obvious parody of Commander Scotty from Star Trek.
An embalmer is in the embalmer's chamber and he'd like to embalm you!
A knight is a bit befuddled in the jousting field. He is trying to joust another knight and, of course, they're both on horses. There are also spectators, one of whom is a damsel who gives the knight a handkerchief.
William Shakespeare is at "Shakespeare in Glove" reciting lines about gloves.
A cowboy is sleeping in the western tavern.
Miss Kitty is a young lady who works above the western tavern.
Gladstone is Aunt Cedilla's poodle. Of course, it doesn't like you.
Note: The ash from the urn is also from a poodle named Gladstone. This fact is confirmed by the butler if you attempt to drink the "tea".
A solicitor waits for you in the drawing room at the end of the game. According to his visiting card, his name is J. Epsom Sepulchre.
Numerous northerners, both human and other creatures, inhabit The North.
Numerous servants pass through the servants' hall, intent on their various errands.
The author of the love-letter is not named.
All games end with GAME OVER, but the game can end in different ways.
You will inherit Aunt Cedilla's entire estate when you return to your drawing room after you receive the solicitor's visiting card from the butler.
You will be killed by a random encounter in The North if you're not accompanied by either the pigeon or Alf.
You will be disinherited by an extremely furious Aunt Cedilla if you dare attack her.†
You will be thrown in gaol if you dare attack Sargeant Plank.†
You will be shot dead by Cousin Virgule if you dare attack him.†
You will be shot dead by Cousin Virgule if you dare to wear the hat too long.†
You will be shot dead by Commander Fatty if you dare attack him.
You will die in the vacuum of space if you're still on the starship when it explodes.
You can make the game unwinnable if:
You drink the tea.†
You give the haggis directly to Commander Fatty.
† The butler stops your first attempts at these actions.
Note: An unusual bug can occur if you try returning to the spaceship after it exploded; it still appears to be there. Worse, when the game ends any other way, you get the vacuum of space ending immediately after the other ending.
a vinaigrette bottle. This is in your initial inventory but you can't really do anything with it.
a teacup. It's in your drawing room. If your aunt's present, wear the tailcoat so you can take the cup. When your aunt wants tea, fill the cup with water in the Scullery, then put the ash in the cup. Give the cup of "tea" to your aunt to unlock the next plot point.
a tailcoat. It's in the servant's quarters. Wear it when you aunt arrives so you can pretend to be your butler. Wearing the tailcoat is also one of the nine items needed later when you need to "dress up to the nines" at Oldmaid Towers.
a black leather suitcase. It's Aunt Cedilla's. To get it, go to the front porch while wearing the tailcoat. Open the suitcase to find the china urn.
an IOU. It's in your bedroom and really more of a you-owe-them. Give it to Sergeant Plank and he'll destroy it. Yay?
a love-letter. It's in your bedroom. Give it to Sergeant Plank and he'll rip it in half and drop one half of it; see half a love-letter.
a china urn. It's inside the suitcase. Break it to find the ash inside.
a clump of ash. It's inside the china urn. Use it to make "tea" for Aunt Cedilla; see teacup.
an ugly hat. It's in the box on the desk in the police station. Don't wear the hat! Virgule will shoot at anyone wearing the hat. Give the hat to Aunt Cedilla, and yes, Virgule will shoot her.
half a love-letter. Obtain this by giving the love letter to Sergeant Plank in the police station. Read it; it reads like a will. In your aunt's flat, take the will and leave the half letter in its place.
a haggis. It's in the rag-and-bone yard. Go to the starship. Don't give it to Commander Fatty directly, but instead, put the haggis in the circle, then push the red button to transport him away.
a bell. You inexplicably receive this soon after Aunt Cedilla is killed and you're about to be arrested. Ring the bell to summon the butler who'll provide your alibi and offer himself as the murderer. Thereafter, you can ring the bell anywhere to summon the butler to your side, as long as the butler isn't in gaol.
a woolen tie. The typist in the office is wearing it. Turn the dial to increase the room's temperature and he'll toss the tie away. The tie is one of the nine items you need to wear at Oldmaid Towers.
a trilatinum-splorex collar. It's in the starship's machine. First get rid of Fatty (see haggis) then take the collar. Leave the starship promptly before it explodes. The collar is one of the nine items you need to wear at Oldmaid Towers.
a flower. It's in the cave. It's one of the nine items you need to wear at Oldmaid Towers.
a pair of sapphire cufflinks. They're in the treasure chamber and one of the nine items you need to wear at Oldmaid Towers.
a pair of gloves. They're at "Shakespeare in Glove" and one of the nine items you need to wear at Oldmaid Towers.
a stovepipe. It's on the roof above the mill. Although it looks like a hat, you can't call it a hat. Even so, it's one of the nine items you need to wear at Oldmaid Towers.
a lance. It's at the jousting field; give it to the knight there. Shortly afterwards, the knight will give you a hankerchief.
a handkerchief. You receive the hanky from the knight at the jousting field shortly after giving the lance to him. The hanky is one of the nine items you need to wear at Oldmaid Towers.
a natty jerkin. The sleeping cowboy in the tavern is wearing it. To wake the cowboy, spit. Leave the tavern and take the jerkin when it falls out from an upstairs window. The jerkin is one of the nine items you need to wear at Oldmaid Towers.
a squeaky rubber bone. It's in your aunt's flat. Open the window and throw the bone at it. The bone will go through and the dog will follow it.
a will. It's in your aunt's flat. After you get rid of the dog (see bone), take the will and drop the half letter in its place.
a visiting card. The butler gives this card to you at the northwest service corridor after you've taken the will from your aunt's flat and left the half letter in its place. Take this card to your drawing room to win the game.
You have completed percentage of this adventure.
The London Illustrated News describes you as ranking.
3% for going to the front porch dressed as a butler. (Total: 3%)
3% for filling the teacup with dirty grey rainwater. (Total: 6%)
4% for opening the suitcase. (Total: 10%)
3% for breaking the urn. (Total: 13%)
3% for putting the clump of ash in the teacup. (Total: 16%)
3% for giving a cup of "tea" to Aunt Cedilla. (Total: 19%)
4% for meeting Cousin Virgule at the train station. (Total: 23%)
3% for opening the lost-property box. (Total: 26%)
3% for giving the love-letter to Sergeant Plank. (Total: 29%)
3% for giving the hat to Aunt Cedilla. (Total: 32%)
3% for ringing the silver bell. (Total: 35%)
4% for visiting the butler in the gaol cell. (Total: 39%)
3% for finding Alf in the rag-and-bone yard. (Total: 42%)
3% for leading Alf to the butler in gaol. (Total: 45%)
3% for asking Alf about password in the presence of the locked trunk. (Total: 48%)
4% for turning the thermostat dial in the office. (Total: 52%)
3% for putting the haggis in the black circle. (Total: 55%)
3% for teleporting Commander Fatty away. (Total: 58%)
3% for taking the collar from the stardrive. (Total: 61%)
4% for not being on the starship when it explodes. (Total: 65%)
3% for taking the flower. (Total: 68%)
3% for pushing the embalmer into the sarcophagus. (Total: 71%)
3% for giving the lance to the knight. (Total: 74%)
3% for receiving a hankerchief from the knight. (Total: 77%)
4% for opening the window in the mill. (Total: 81%)
3% for reaching the roof of the mill. (Total: 84%)
3% for obtaining the stovepipe. (Total: 87%)
3% for waking the cowboy by spitting. (Total: 90%)
4% for seeing the jerkin fall out of the upper window. (Total: 94%)
5% for getting rid of a troublesome poodle. (Total: 99%)
1% for receiving the solicitor's card. (Total: 100%)
half-devil and half-child. (0%)
a dole cheat. (3 to 6%)
a single parent. (10 to 19%)
a half-decent chap. (23 to 29%)
a decent chap. (32 to 39%)
a good fellow. (42 to 48%)
a jolly good fellow. (52 to 58%)
a great man. (61 to 68%)
a titan amongst minnows. (71 to 77%)
a credit to the Empire. (81 to 87%)
the best prime minister Britain never had. (90 to 100%)