You play as a woman driving a moving van across the United States to her new job as New York City's Assistant to the Chief Engineer. Your gas runs out when you arrive at Chewton, Arizona which is having its 40th annual rock festival, and they don't mean music. They're celebrating actual rocks. And you spent your last money on tacos. How are you going to get out of here?
This solution is by David Welbourn, and is based on Release 2.3 of the game.
If you just want to reach the winning ending as quickly as possible, this is the walkthrough for you.
> open ashtray. take coin. out. w.
Jars of Pebbles
> search hedge. throw wallet at jar.
> z.(Repeat waiting until the angelic chorus achieves the perfect note.)
> take note. ask God about note.
Continue waiting, if necessary, until the author shows up and gives you the wallet back and a button.
> push button.
Jars of Pebbles
> w. s. e.
> look under table. unlock case. open case. take rock.
> w. w.
> open door. put rock in machine. close door.
> push red. push yellow. open door. take rock.
> e. n. e. e.
> throw rock at juggler. take dollars.(+15)
> e. s.
> give note to bikers.(+10)
> open bag. take flask. take sawdust.
> n. w. w. w. s. sw.
> put sawdust in puddle. put coin in vertical slot.(+10)
> take quarters. ne. n. e.
Jars of Pebbles
> buy soda. drink soda. put whiskey in can.(+10)
> w. s. s.
> drink cocktail. z. steal smock.(+10)
> n. n.
Mound of Quartz
> wear smock. sell dogs.(+10)
> e. e. e. s.
You need to have a reason to give gin to the old man. It's not enough to know that he wants it.
> take apple. give flask to old man. buy gin.
> give gin to old man. take apple.
> n. e.
> tell man about pickup. hit man. hit man.(+15)
> put apple on desk.(+10)
> tell man about pickup. kiss man.(+10)
*** You have won ***
> info. x me. i.
> x wallet. open wallet. look in wallet. x atm card.
> x wrappers. smell wrappers. x dashboard. x upholstery.
> x seat. look under seat. x fond memory.
> x lighter. x ashtray. open it. take coin. x coin.
> open compartment. x map. read map.
> smell compartment. x label.
> fold map. stretch. fold map. put map in compartment.
> x garden. x door. x windshield. look through it.
> x radio. turn on radio.
> x key. take key.(No need. Chewton is loaded with honesty.)
> x boulder. x guards. x clowns. x midgets.
> x van. x parade. x crossing. x train.
> x juggler. x hat. x dollars. x balls.(Note that the balls are orange.)
> take dollars.(not that easily)
> ask guards about boulder. ask guards about parade.
> ask guards about juggler. ask guards about Chewton.
> take boulder. climb boulder. push boulder. jump over boulder.
> take van. climb van. undo.
> take parade. jump over moon.
Jars of Pebbles
> x soldiers. x badges. x officer. x tank. x puppet show.
> x jars.(They warn you against throwing anything at them.)
> x hedge. search hedge. x bag. open bag. x flask.
> x vendor. x stand. read sign.(Hamburger $2; Soda $1; Licorice $1.)
> ask vendor about burger. ask vendor about soda. ask vendor about licorice.
> take tank. enter tank.
> climb tank —or— touch tank. jump over tank.
If the buzzing flies are around:
> x flies. hit flies. take stunned fly. x it.
Mound of Quartz
> x banker, x quartz. x cigar. x supermodel.
> x car. x unfortunates. ask banker about quartz.(You're not a cigar.)
> ask supermodel about banker. ask unfortunates about unfortunates.
> x cart. x umbrella. x corn dogs.
> sell dogs.(You don't seem trustworthy.)
> x gas station. x mall.
> x toupees. count toupees.
After a prudish gentleman orders you to fetch him a hot toddy:
> fetch hot toddy. lick boots. massage back.
> x machine. put card in machine.(You only have $9.98 in your account.)
> take card. put card in wallet.
> x case. read plaque.(Mayor found it in his yard.)
> x rock.(Three inches diameter and spherical.)
> x table. look under table.(You find a key.)
> x key. unlock case with key. open case. take rock.
> x board.(Three notices: one for the rock-of-the-month club, another from a dealer in rocks and rare coins who says to call 555-1419, and one offers a reward for missing round and grey pet "Fluffy".)
> x exhibits. x rocks.
> x pellets. take pellets. x sandstone. take sandstone.
> x Cher. kiss Cher. take Cher.
> w. w.
> x cans. smell paint. x counter. look behind counter.
> x machine. x compartment. x door.
> x red button. x yellow button. x sign.
> x salesman. ask salesman about paint.
> ask salesman about machine.(You get any two things painted free!)
Experimentation in other play sessions will show that pushing the red button paints something red, that pushing the yellow button paints something yellow, and that a hamster cleans the machine afterwards.
Unfortunately, you only get two paint samples and you need them both to paint the valuable rock orange:
> open door. put rock in compartment. close door.
> push red button. push yellow button.(The rock is now orange.)
> open door. take rock.
Don't try buying the hamster until you've painted something first!
> ask man about hamster. buy hamster.(He gives you a dead gerbil instead.)
> x gerbil.
> e. n. e.
Jars of Pebbles
> throw wallet at jars.(The soldiers kill you and you arrive at...)
> x angels. x cherubim. x castles.
> x clouds. x God. x notes.
> ask God about heaven. ask God about God. ask God about note.
Jesus will wander in at a random time. Wait until he's here or skip this part.
> x Jesus. ask god about Jesus. ask Jesus about tea.
The author will eventually show up and give you back whatever you threw at the jars and a button. This seems to be randomized, so you're going to have to wait until he shows up.
> x button. x author. ask author about author.
> ask God about author. ask God about pudding.
If you're carrying the dead gerbil, eventually you feel a ghostly pull to the southwest.
> x souls. x effigy. take souls. ne.
> take note. x perfect note.
> push button.(You return to...)
Jars of Pebbles
> throw rock to juggler. take dollars.(+15)
> x gravel. x pickup. x hood. look under the hood.
> x object. take it. fix object.
> x crowd. x pub. x repair shop.
> n. x gateway. take pickup. i. x ticket.
> x rags. x parts. x vehicles. x Oldsmobile. x jack. x legs.
> look under Oldsmobile. x jeans. x muscles. x boots. x blood.
> enter car.(Amusing, but it doesn't help you.)
> x desk. x orders. x magazine. x centerfold.
> close magazine.(You couldn't stand to touch it.)
> look under desk. x leprechaun. ask leprechaun about leprechaun.
> hit man.(It's the mayor's car. Mr Bono wants his car by 5pm to pick up his mistress from Albuquerque or else the mechanic isn't paid.)
> hit man.(+15. Put some food for lunch on the desk and then he'll listen to you.)
> w. s.
> x old man. give gerbil to old man.(He wants booze.)
> give flask to old man.(He only wants gin.)
> ask old man about gin.(Only 8 bucks!)
> x bartender. x bar. look behind bar. x booze.
> x stools. x table. x apple. x bikers. x sawdust.
> ask bartender about gin. ask bartender about bikers.
> ask bartender about old man. ask bartender about Chewton.
> ask bartender about whiskey.
CAUTION: Don't give things to the bikers; they'll destroy them.
> ask bikers about bikers.(Central biker gives you a book.)
> x book. read book. sing.
> give note to bikers.(+10; bikers leave; apple now near old man.)
Because our inventory is full, drop a few nonessential items.
> drop fly. drop book. drop ticket.
> take apple.(The old man's leering prevents you.)
> take flask.(To empty the paper bag.)
> take sawdust.(Putting it in the paper bag.)
> n. w. w.
Jars of Pebbles
> buy soda. drink soda.(You drink half of it.)
> pour whiskey in can.(+10; "Whiskey 'n fizzie")
> x cocktail.
> w. s. sw.
The slippery puddle blocks access to the far machine.
> x washers. x dryers. x puddle. x laundry. x machine.
> take laundry. climb washers. climb dryers.(Too dangerous.)
> put sawdust in puddle.
CAUTION: Putting your ATM card into the horizontal slot makes it disappear forever.
> x machine. x vertical slot. x horizontal slot.
> x receptacle. read lettering.(Made in 1979.)
> put coin in vertical slot.(+10; four quarters shoot out.)
> take quarters.
For the lolz:
> enter washer. enter dryer. take sawdust.
> ne. s.
> x uniforms. x curtain. x register. x rack.
> x smock.($15 price, logo of smiling hot dog.)
> x tailor. open register.
> ask tailor about smock.(He can't hear you over the player.)
> x player. x sewing machine. x wheel.
> x bell-bottom-o-matic. x disco ball. dance.
> drink cocktail. z.(You feel capable of slightly immoral acts.)
> take smock.(+10.)
> n. w.
> hit man.
> x magic. explore magic. x hypermatter.
> e. n.
Mound of Quartz
If the dogs aren't on the cart, put them there before trying to sell them.
> wear smock. sell dogs.(+10; you make $6!)
> ask unfortunates about Fluffy.
Jars of Pebbles
Now that you've stolen the smock, you won't go to Heaven now.
> throw wallet at jars.(You go to...)
You end up here if you throw something at the jars after you steal the smock.
> x crowd. x light. x Liberace. x fairy tales. x Satan.
> ask Satan about hell. kiss Liberace. kiss Satan.
> u.(You need a boost.)
> ask Satan for boost.(He returns the thing you threw at the jars. You return to...)
> take apple.(while wearing smock; still ineffective.)
> buy gin. x gin. give gin to old man.(He passes out.)
> take apple. kick man.
> n. e.
> put apple on desk.(+10; mechanic eats it and tosses the magazine into a trash can.)
> tell mechanic about pickup.
> kiss mechanic.(+10)
***You have won***
[Note: If you restart the game, type 'fun stuff' for a list of fun things to try.]
This list is the response to the command fun stuff:
Did you try to...
drive the tank or pickup?
take the van, tank, pickup, or boulder?
go north in the gravel float area?
buy the hamster from the paint salesman?
take the dead gerbil up to heaven?
hit the paint salesman or read the magazine while you were drunk?
climb, touch, or jump over the tank or boulder?
throw an object at the boulder?
climb the Move-it Van?
look under the hood of the pickup?
throw food to the poor unfortunates?
dance in the uniform shop?
ask the NPCs about yourself?
throw anything at the change machine in the laundromat?
explore the magic in the paint shop?
ask the locals about anything?
throw something at the tank after stealing the smock?
jump on the train?
The juggler is juggling several orange balls by the Tremendous Boulder.
The vendor is selling hamburgers, soda, and licorice by the Jar of Pebbles.
The banker is sitting on a Mound of Quartz in his red convertible and showing off his wealth.
The supermodel is the banker's companion. It's strongly implied she's just there for his money.
The paint salesman will let you have two paint samples from his shop, but he's also a huge jerk who ought to be reported for animal abuse.
The tailor in the Uniform Shop is better dressed than you, but he's more interested in dancing, listening to music, or hear himself talk than attending to his customers.
The bartender in the Pub isn't that friendly, but he'll still sell you a bottle of gin if you have the cash.
The old man in the Pub is dirty, stinky, and lecherous. Bleah.
The mechanic in the Garage is busy working on the mayor's car. He's also the only person in town who can give you the help you need.
God is in Heaven, and he's the ruler of space and time. Although personable, he's not really interested in your problems.
Jesus is God's son. He may stop by in Heaven for a cup of tea.
The author may confront you in Heaven if you end up there.
Satan is the ruler of Hell. He'd rather you didn't interrupt his storytime.
Liberace is in Hell, reading a book of fairy tales to some tortured souls. He seems to enjoy his work.
Groups of characters:
Some locals are watching the juggler at Tremendous Boulder.
Some clowns, midgets, and security guards are guarding the Tremendous Boulder.
There's a crowd of men who are trying to fix the pickup truck at Gravel Float.
The bikers are clustered around the pool table in the Pub, trying to perform some ritual.
Some soldiers and officers are at Jars of Pebbles.
The jealous horde (aka the unfortunates) and the well-dressed merry-makers jointly make up the crowd surrounding the Mound of Quartz.
Some angels and cherubim are in Heaven.
Some rodent souls are burning an effigy of the paint salesman in Rodent Heaven.
Some tortured souls are attending "storytime" in Hell.
A trio of buzzing flies sometimes appear at Jars of Pebbles.
A hamster is inside the Paint Shop machine, ready to clean the machine interior after each paint application.
Another hamster is fired from a cannon in the Laundromat ceiling if you dare to throw anything at the machine there.
The nonsense police hand you a ticket if you try to take the pickup truck at Gravel Float.
The Village People (officer, indian, construction worker, sailor), briefly walk into the Uniform Shop.
A prudish gentleman at Mound of Quartz may ask you fetch him a hot toddy.
An emissary from purgatory may request God's divine intervention.
Mayor Bono, his wife, and his mistress are mentioned by the mechanic.
Cher is represented by a piece of granite in the Rock Museum that looks like her.
Susan B. Anthony is pictured on the dollar coin you find in your ashtray. This was a real thing; see Susan B. Anthony dollar.
Michael J. Roberts is mentioned as the author of "Flames of Perdition" when you examine the gateway to another dimension north of the Gravel Float.
"Fluffy" seems to be a missing pet rock that someone is offering a reward for.
"Billy Beer" is mentioned by the tailor. This beer was promoted by Billy Carter in the 70's.
Several musical artists (Bay City Rollers; Bee Gees; Commodores; Disco Duck; Earth, Wind, and Fire; K-Tel's Greatest Hits; Rick James) are heard whenever you try to ask the tailor about anything.
Ronald Reagan is alluded to when the tailor says "An actor could *never* be president!"
Shirley Temple and the ghost of Christmas Past are two of the hallucinations you see while drunk.
You may be stuck indefinitely, unable to act, if you find yourself in Limbo. To reach this "ending", jump train from Tremendous Boulder, then go out when the train stops several turns later.
You may be stuck indefinitely, unable to leave "Being a Hobo". To reach this "ending", jump train from Tremendous Boulder, and stay on the train when it stops the first time. Y'see, the train never stops a second time.
You may end up living a life of unfortunate predicaments, including marrying a distant cousin. To reach this ending, climb van from Tremendous Boulder.
You have won if you get the parade moving, your van filled up, and back on your way to New York City with a new traveling companion.
Some items can be altered with "(painted red)", "(painted yellow)", or "(painted orange)" via the Paint Shop machine.
a wallet. It's in your initial inventory and it holds your ATM card.
an ATM card. It's in your wallet. You can try putting it in the ATM's slot at the Minimall Entrance, but you won't find much money in your account.
a fond memory. You get it be looking under the seat in the Move-It Van. It can't help you, though.
a Susan B. Anthony one-dollar coin. Found in the ashtray of your Move-It Van. Put it in the Laundromat's change machine's vertical slot to get four quarters in real cash.
a map. It's in the glove compartment of your Move-It Van. You need to stretch first before you can try folding it properly, but the task is so boring that you'll never succeed. You can do nothing useful with the map.
a wrinkled paper bag. Search the hedge at Jars of Pebbles to find it. Open it; the small flask is inside. When the bag is empty, you can put some of the Pub's sawdust in the bag.
There's $2 in the juggler's hat at Tremendous Boulder. Get them by painting the valuable rock orange and throwing it at the juggler. While she's distracted with the extra "ball", you can take the dollars.
You can convert the one-dollar coin into $1 (in quarters) by putting the coin into vertical slot of the change machine in the Laundromat.
You can earn $6 at Mound of Quartz by wearing the smock and selling the corn dogs for $3 each. Leave the dogs on the cart when selling them.
Don't buy a hamburger for $2 or a licorice whip for $1 from the vendor at the Jars of Pebbles unless you're experimenting.
Buy a soda for $1 from the vendor at the Jars of Pebbles.
a pair of corn dogs. They're in the hot dog cart at Mound of Quartz. If you're wearing the smock and if the dogs are on the cart, you can sell the dogs for $3 each in real cash.
a gerbil (being dead). The paint salesman gives it to you when you try to buy the hamster. Its only real use is to help you find Rodent Heaven from Heaven via a ghostly pull to the southwest there, but you don't need to visit Rodent Heaven.
a nifty key. It's under the table in the Rock Museum. It unlocks the display case with the valuable rock inside.
a valuable rock. It's in the display case in the Rock Museum; unlock the case with the nifty key. Put the rock in the Paint Shop machine, close the door and push both the red and yellow buttons to paint the rock orange. Take the orange rock to Tremendous Boulder and throw the rock at the juggler. She'll only be distracted for a couple turns, but that's long enough for you to take the money from her hat.
a generic broken object. It's in the Giant Sack, but it only exists there. Try to fix it in order to leave the Sack.
a worn copy of the I-Ching. Given to you by the central biker in the Pub when you first talk to the bikers. Read it. Unfortunately, it doesn't seem to be useful.
a disembodied button. Given to you by the author during your time in Heaven. It only exists in Heaven. Push it to return to Jars of Pebbles.
a perfect note. Take it from Heaven; the angelic chorus will eventually create one. Give the note to the bikers in the Pub. They'll leave, and the apple will become wedged between the bar and the old man's stool.
a pile of sawdust. Take it from the Pub floor, putting it into an empty paper bag. Put the sawdust on the puddle in the Laundromat; this will let you examine and use the change machine at the far end.
a can of lemon fizzie. Buy a soda from the vendor at the Jars of Pebbles; the cost is one respectable dollar. Drink it once to half-empty it. Pour some whiskey into it to make a tasty cocktail. When the cocktail is drunk, you now have an empty can of lemon fizzie.
a hamburger. Although you can buy it from the vendor at the Jars of Pebbles (the cost is two respectable dollars), I suggest you don't unless you're experimenting. Buying the hamburger puts the game into an unwinnable state. However, if you do buy it, try putting it on the Garage desk, giving it to the unfortunates at Mound of Quartz, or eating it.
a licorice whip. Although you can buy it from the vendor at the Jars of Pebbles (the cost is one respectable dollar), I suggest you don't unless you're experimenting. Buying the licorice puts the game into an unwinnable state. However, if you do buy it, use it like the hamburger.
a tasty cocktail. Make it by pouring some whiskey into a half-full can of lemon fizzie. Drink the cocktail in the Uniform Shop. When drunk, you'll be willing to do some unsocial acts. What you must do is steal the smock from the Uniform Shop. Other things you can attempt while drunk include hitting the paint salesman and taking the mechanic's magazine. After the cocktail is drunk, you'll still have the empty can.
a greasy smock. It's on the rack in the Uniform Shop. You'll have to steal it. You must make and drink a tasty cocktail to gain the necessary courage first, and steal the smock while you're drunk. Wear the smock at Mound of Quartz and sell the pair of corn dogs to earn some more cash.
a bottle of gin. Buy it from the bartender in the Pub for $8 in real cash. After trying to take the wedged apple and failing, give the gin to the old man there; he'll drink it and pass out, letting you take the wedged apple.
an apple. You'll first see it on the pool table in the Pub, guarded by the bikers. Give a perfect note to the bikers to get them to leave. Unfortunately, as they go, the apple becomes wedged between the bar and the old man's stool, and you can't take it from there either, although you must try to find out why. Buy and give the bottle of gin to take care of the old man, then finally take the apple. In the garage, hit the mechanic's legs twice to extract a deal from him, then put the apple on his desk. Now he'll listen to you.
a pulsating hunk of supernatural hypermatter. Get it by exploring the magic in the Paint Shop. You can't do much with it, though.
a stunned fly. Sometimes there are buzzing flies near the vendor at Jars of Pebbles. Hit the flies to stun one. I don't know what you can do with it, though.
a ticket for nonsensical behavior. Get it from the nonsense police by trying to take the pickup at Gravel Float. It's not useful.
In a total of several turns, you have achieved a score of your-score points out of a possible 100.
15 points for taking two respectable American dollars from the juggler's hat.
15 points for getting the mechanic to make a deal with you: he gets food, and you get a bit of his time.
10 points for helping the bikers complete their ritual.
10 points for converting the one-dollar coin into respectable American quarters.
10 points for creating the first-ever "Whiskey 'n fizzie".
10 points for stealing a smock.
10 points for selling the corn dogs.
10 points for delivering a healthy lunch to the mechanic.
10 points for finally convincing the mechanic to help you.